Nursing in Public
Yes, that’s an arbitrary nursing picture with ***gasp*** a boob in it. Given the topic of this post, it only seems appropriate to share a picture of my little Zara Bea doing her favorite thing. If that offends you, then you might not want to read this post.
Every now and then, a news report or story related to nursing in public pops up in my news feeds. Often it’s about a mother who was asked to stop nursing while doing so in a restaurant or store. Sometimes these stories are reporting on the result of a mother being asked to stop breastfeeding: the civil protest by a bunch of breastfeeding mothers, otherwise known as a “nurse-in.” Either way, it usually comes with a very heated debate about whether or not nursing in public is okay (or if it is okay only if done a particular way).
When I come across a story like this, I usually read them with minor interest, occasionally commenting but often not because, though I am (obviously) a huge supporter of breastfeeding when and wherever you and your baby please, being asked to stop nursing is so far beyond my realm of experience it seems in a way fictional.
Between Nora and Zara, I have breastfed for more than three years. In that time, I have breastfed in more places than I can list; everywhere from malls and grocery stores to airplanes and trains to restaurants, parks, beaches, and even while walking down the street. When Nora was a baby and I had to work, I was very lucky that I was able to occasionally bring her with me, and thus I have even breastfed while at work: not just in my own office, but also during faculty/staff meetings. Since then, I have continued to practice my own version of attachment parenting and have nursed both girls at one time or another during meetings with my web design clients. In all of that time, breastfeeding in New York, California, Massachusetts, Texas, and a handful of other states, I have never once been asked by an owner or employee of a business to stop nursing, relocate or cover up.
Saturday afternoon, Chris and I decided that we would spend the afternoon together as a family at the county rec center’s indoor pool. We put on our bathing suits, loaded up the stroller, and walked over. We swam, floated, and splashed for an hour before we got out of the pool for a break, at which point it became clear that Zara was hungry and more than a little tired. Without thinking twice, I did the perfectly natural thing: hug her close “tummy to mummy,” adjust my bathing suit and latch her on. The conversation Chris and I were having did not miss a beat, and Zara quickly settled in.
I’ll be the first to admit, there was a little more of my breast visible than would be the case if we hadn’t been at the pool. While I can’t say that I have ever nursed under a blanket (or a nursing burka, either), save the one awkward time trying to disappear on a bench in the Poughkeepsie mall when Nora was still a newborn and I realized that the blanket was way more trouble than it was worth, I do generally wear clothes that keep my skin from being exposed while nursing. I’ve found that the older I get (and I’m not even that old!) the more modest I get about skirt length, low-cut tops, and even two-piece swimsuits. It’s not exactly my prerogative flash my breasts around, but babies have to eat and in our family that is how they do it…and honestly, given the size and cut of some of the bikinis in the swimming pool that day, I can hardly understand how someone could complain about seeing a tiny bit more of my breast as I used it for its intended purpose.
So imagine my surprise when I heard a voice say, “M’am,” and I looked up from peaceful Zara to see a teenage lifeguard standing before me.
“We don’t allow breastfeeding on deck; you can go in the locker room.”
For an instant I completely disconnected from everything around me. All I saw was this girl standing before me in her white t-shirt, dirty blond hair pulled back into a ponytail, obviously so far from motherhood and without any understanding of the implications of what she had just said. For a second I wondered if that could really just have happened. Could this girl have actually thought that me feeding my baby was something that shouldn’t be done in a space that was build for families — that was built for mothers and babies?
I took a deep breath and with it, the chaos of the noisy pool deck returned. I sat up straighter, looked her square in the eyes, and said, “State law says I can breastfeed wherever I am legally allowed to be.”
And that was it. Her face reddened, she mumbled an apology, and quickly walked off.
I looked down again just to check, was my other breast hanging out? Was Zara not covering as much of me as I had thought? No. No. In fact, her head and body might have actually been covering more of the top of my breasts than my one piece bathing suit covered.
I watched the lifeguard rejoin a group of lifeguards standing across the pool, and watched her clearly report on what had happened. Many of them turned to look over at me seated in my chair against the wall; no one else approached, but even as Chris and I marveled in shock at what had just happened, I worried what might come next. Nothing did, but it soured the afternoon for us and when we returned to the water, it wasn’t for long.
The timing of this incident is interesting given the link I had shared just that morning in my Saturday Surfing post about why supporting breastfeeding in public is necessary to supporting breastfeeding. It also happens that just recently I had decided to look up the breastfeeding laws in my new state.
Though the experience was annoying and I felt uncomfortable to be singled out by the group of lifeguards, since Zara is my second child and I am now a dedicated and confident nursing mother, it won’t ultimately have an impact on my nursing practices or relationship. However, the more Chris and I discussed what had happened, the more I became concerned about how such an experience might impact a new mom, who may already be struggling with nursing or feeling self conscious. Being told that she can’t nurse somewhere could be one of the things that makes someone stop breastfeeding.
I remember in vivid detail the nervousness I felt the first time I nursed Nora outside of our home. It was at a time when I was still fighting engorgement, leaky breasts, and a painful latch. It was long before I felt comfortable with much of parenting, let alone unbuttoning my shirt in front of others, but I realized that I would need to get over that hurdle if I wanted to meet my one-year breastfeeding goal. So one night I took advantage of a party at the local maternity/baby boutique, slipped Nora into a sling, and headed out. There were plenty of moms and babies there breastfeeding, which made it feel safe. I wasn’t going to be the only one nursing. But there were also men I’d never met and I was horribly embarrassed. So when Nora got hungry, I sat down on the couch, did my best to latch her on and prayed that no one would pay too much attention to me.
Going to the party turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made for my breastfeeding confidence. I’ll never forget my friend’s amazing husband (to whom I had just been introduced) who sat across the room from me while Nora nursed, and who talked me like a normal person as if nothing was going on. His complete non-reaction to breastfeeding was exactly what I needed to start building my confidence in my ability to mother Nora through breastfeeding.
No one (myself included) would breastfeed for a year (which is really just the minimum recommendation) if we could not continue with our lives while doing so. If we were stuck at home, unable to go shopping, eat at restaurants, or play with our older children in the swimming pool, it would be impossible to breastfeed for a year. If our first experiences with nursing outside of our comfort zone are of someone telling us we shouldn’t be doing it or creating a feeling of shame or embarrassment, then it is incredibly unlikely that we will continue. Breastfeeding is best for the baby; it is best for the mother; its best for the family, best for employers, best for the community, and best for the environment. Breastfeeding is best, but if we don’t all support it (which means reacting to it no differently than we would react to the sight of a mother hugging her child), then there will continue to be women who are unable to meet their breastfeeding goals.
Saturday, I filled out a comment card and I called the rec center first thing this morning to speak to the pool manager. I wanted to know if they really do have a policy against breastfeeding or if that was just something that came from the lifeguard/supervisor on duty. I am happy to report that they do not have a policy against breastfeeding on the pool deck or anywhere else in the building, and they are aware of the state law protecting a woman’s right to breastfeed. I conveyed my concern about how an experience like that could profoundly impact the nursing relationship and that I hoped they could better train their staff, especially since they serve so many families. The manager was sincerely apologetic and assured me that she would speak to the lifeguards and supervisors to make sure they know that they cannot ask a woman to stop nursing or to relocate while nursing.
Overall, the outcome here is good. This is experience will end up being a tiny blip in the whole of my breastfeeding years (much like the time a man I had never met tried to cover Nora with his jacket, but that’s a story for another time). It’s an experience that I am glad I had, not just because it was a reminder of how far we still have to go regarding the normalization of breastfeeding in this country and, perhaps, this area in particular, but also because it was a moment that showed me how important it is for us as mothers to be confident in our choices and to be able to stand up for ourselves and our children. I could have moved to the locker room, but I didn’t because I knew that I wasn’t doing anything of which I should be ashamed or that should be hidden. I was caring for my baby in the best way that I know how and I was setting an example of motherhood not just for my daughter, but for every girl and young woman there. Which, when it comes down to it, is perhaps the best reason for nursing in public in the first place.
In some ways i am glad this happened to you (A le leche leader, confident breastfeeding mom, and in general confident person from what i have observed at our play dates) rather than someone like me who had such a struggle with breast feeding and would almost rank it as traumatic. The lifeguards need to know TRUE policies and had they approached a new breastfeeding mom, she may have cowered, not known her rights and the lifeguards would have been free to do this to another mom…in fact i am almost certain you weren’t the first to be told this, but hopefully you will be the last! it is time for our nation to stop looking at a boob sexually and embrace what God created them for. You could have just blown it off and known your rights and not called to let the rec ctr know that their employees are misinformed. Thanks for your diligence!!!
Thanks, Moe. I too am glad that it happened to me and that I was able to speak up about it. Also, I am so thankful that my husband was equally outraged by what happened. I am hopeful that I will be the last mom this happens to — at least at the pool. The Manager I spoke with apologized several times and seemed very surprised to hear that it had happened; she assured me that the matter would be addressed with staff.
Bravo to you for standing up for what’s right! I’ve never had anyone question me verbally, but sometimes the stares say more than words.
I agree with Moe, and who knows how many other moms you may have helped by addressing this? Not everyone is as confident as you are with breastfeeding, and as much as it sucks that it happened at all, at least it happened to a mom who is an advocate for bf’ing. 🙂
I think it’s great you responded as you did and also went the step further to raise the issue with the manager. I used to be like that teen and think that breastfeeding was strange and I too probably would have thought it should be done in private – I was just a product of my environment and never saw anyone nursing. Oh how things changed when I had my own! So there may be hope for her yet, and having her horizons expanded by the accurate, level-headed response you gave may be the first step.
I seriously admire your 1-year breastfeeding goal, but as a blogger whose articles get read by moms in all walks of life, you should be a bit more forgiving in your terminology about it being “actually just the minimum time suggested”. Although this may be true per the la Leche League there are nicer ways to say it that don’t make people feel like they’re less- than-worthy as a mom if they don’t make it that far. There are LOTS of factors in feeding babies and lots of reasons why not everyone makes it to 1 year or more. It just really bugs me when people get judgy about it. I’m sure that’s not how you meant it, just a suggestion to be mindful of wording.
Thanks for your comment. Actually, it is not accurate to say that La Leche League sees 1 year as a minimum time to breastfeed. La Leche League’s sole stance on the optimal duration of breastfeeding can be found in two of its philosophy statements:
What this means is that La Leche League philosophy states that they believe all babies should receive only human milk until they are about 6 months old and, as you’ll often hear/read LLL philosophy to state, that babies should continue to nurse for as long as mutually desirable by both mother and baby. La Leache League has no official stance on extended breastfeeding beyond a year or any specific duration outside of what is quoted above. You can read LLL’s 10 philosophy statements here.
My statement, that 1 year is the minimum time suggested for breastfeeding duration is not an opinion, but is fact-based. Both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization strongly advocate that mothers continue to nurse their children beyond a year. Here is what the AAP says on the matter:
And here is the WHO and UNICEF recommendation:
You can see that both of these medical organizations have much stronger statements regarding the duration of breastfeeding than does LLL. As a certified lactation counselor, I worked to support every mother in meeting her own individual goal for breastfeeding, and I have first hand knowledge of the struggles that many women experience getting breastfeeding off to a good start – both through my own experiences and those of the mothers I helped. That said, the science is the science and to suggest that these official recommendations should not be mentioned because they might hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel judged does a disservice to everyone.
I have been breastfeeding my little one for 7 months and would have never thought to look up what is allowed in regards to being in public. That life guard would have embarrassed me (for sure!)
I had the opposite happen to me the first time we took our baby to see her first MLB game. A man who worked there came rushing up when he saw her and told me I could nurse in the stands if I would like or in the lactation stations they have set up by first aid. He was very welcoming and I was thankful.
Thanks for sharing!!
Bravo Amber. It’s funny, for the very same reasons you’ve listed – normalisation, supporting less confident mothers, generally pwning folks who continue to shame breastfeeding mothers – I perversely look forward to someone asking me to move, or cover up or whatever.
I can be, shall we say, an intense person sometimes, and I will make the mother of all scenes (pun intended) if this ever happens to me, because I want to help make a society that supports breastfeeding and encourages it. Knowing my rights makes me get around like an avenging angel, so I guess that I either put off such a strong “don’t mess with me” vibe, that no one dares come near me, or everyone everywhere I’ve nursed so far is supportive (I do hope it’s the latter of course!)
Your story does show me it pays to be vigilant, in terms of always having those words and that strength inside if the occasion to use them ever does arise. Each ignorant person we can educate is one less person to traumatize breastfeeding women in future, and if that’s the best I can do as an individual, then so be it. I do look forward to the first time, to that opportunity to educate (or smack down, if necessary) if it ever comes, because of that potential benefit 🙂
Woohoo! Good for you, of course, but my woohoo is specifically for clicking on the link to your state’s breastfeeding laws, thinking I’d have to see what you did and then look up the same for my state, and finding your state at the time was Wyoming! I’m in Cody, but have also lived in Gillette. I’m a mom of three who had trouble breastfeeding my first two, mostly due to no support at home. My third is four months and nursing like a champ while I type this with one hand. I am more and more comfortable nursing in public, but, early on, this kind of interaction would have had me cowering back to the same formula I gave my older two. Thanks for your story (and the secret weapon of our state law)!
I’m a brand new mom- one that is still trying to figure out the delicacies of breastfeeding. I think it’s great that women can breastfeed outside the home, and I know as a Canadian i have the right to do so wherever I please. But what do I do if I’m just not comfortable whipping my tit out in front of all kinds of strangers or even friends?? Am I just an out dated prude that needs to suck it up?
I don’t think it makes you a “prude” if you aren’t comfortable nursing in front of others, but I do think that have a hard and fast rule that you will never nurse in front of anyone else, including close fiends, makes it unlikely you’ll be able to exclusively nurse for a long period in time. It just becomes less and less realistic, unless you are willing to spend almost all your time at home and rarely go in public with your baby or toddler.
How about using a nursing cover? Many mothers use those as a means of staying covered (although is some ways it is less “discrete” because it’s like a giant billboard advertising the fact that you’re nursing).
Whether it’s the LLL, UNICEF, or WHO, my main point was about the way what you were saying sounded. You say you are standing up for all moms and little girls everywhere. If you had sitedthose sources in the article it would have sounded more informational and less judgy. You don’t want others to judge you for breastfeeding in public, so all I’m asking is that you keep in mind the language you use when talking about breastfeeding recommendations. I have several friends who tried very hard to breastfeed and it just didn’t work for lots of different reasons. I personally battled like a warrior as well and it ended up working out, but that just isn’t the case for everyone. And my heart breaks for those moms when they feel judged because of it. Yes, breastfeeding is the best way because God created it. Yes, It’s what all the organizations recommend, because it’s the best! I simply ask that we think really hard about others’ feelings and realize that not everyone has a seamless time with breastfeeding. And I know, as a consultant you know that…just make sure it comes thru in your writing.
I have never read your blog before, just stumbled across it through a Babylist email I received, but I’m going to become a regular reader! What a levelheaded response to something that would make so many women flustered. I admire you for speaking up for yourself and your daughter. And your language didn’t seem at all judgy to me; you’re an excellent writer and you have a new fan in me!