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Amber Hinds

Nantucket, MA
Motherhood
/
July 30, 2012

Rallying

It was five o’clock.  I was standing at the kitchen sink, only just starting on breakfast dishes.  I was exhausted and hungry after a full day of playgrounds, walks, bike rides, and  errands and appointments that did not go as expected (like getting to the register at the grocery store only to realize I had nothing with which to pay).  I was already contemplating that mom-enough-no-guilt-move of turning on a show so I could take a nap.  Then, in a moment between soaping dishes, I looked over and saw Nora, her fist griping three fat preschool crayons — red, orange, yellow — scribbling thick lines and curves up and down the wall in triplicate.

I almost lost it.

“Stop!”  I barely managed not to yell.  Instead, I thought of the patience meditation I had read about not five hours earlier, took a deep breath and thanked the heavens for washable crayola crayons (for not the first time), and explained why we don’t color on walls even if “fire is beautiful.”  As I wiped crayon the color of my emotions from the wall, Nora skipped off to her room.  She was back not five minutes later dressed in a purple bathing suit and a floaty.

“Let’s go to the beach,” she said.  I thought for a moment about how much I just wanted to close my eyes, how I had no desire for wet and sand or hauling a preschooler and bags of gear across dunes.  I thought about saying no.  I wanted to say no.  I almost said no, and then for some reason a part of me thought, just maybe I could rally.

I texted a friend.  I heated up quick leftovers for dinner.  I packed the basics and headed out to the beach.

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I am so glad I did.

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This evening, I was reminded of how important it is to look inside us for energy, even when we think there’s none, and to rally.  In the morning when we’re tired; in the evening when it barely feels possible to hold the evening together.  No matter what’s holding me back, 95% of the time, I end up glad that I worked up the motivation and made the effort.  Tonight was no exception.

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Tonight, sandy and salty, in the company of friends, watching the sun sink into the ocean completely made up for everything tough about today.

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All because a little girl asked to go to the sea.

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